File 004 - Regarding the Discovery and Subsequent Disappearance of Two Rabbit Children
Official Records of the Society of Porch & Garden Affairs
The matter began with rain.
Not ordinary rain.
The sort of rain that arrives with opinions.
The sort of rain that turns pathways into streams, flowerbeds into ponds, and causes every resident of the garden to reconsider their housing arrangements.
Following the storm, Chief Security Officer Cooper conducted a routine perimeter inspection.
This inspection was neither requested nor authorized.
As was customary.
Several minutes later, Cooper returned at maximum speed.
Witnesses report he appeared alarmed.
Further witnesses report he appeared alarmed before leaving.
These findings were therefore considered inconclusive.
Nevertheless, Cooper insisted an emergency meeting be convened immediately.
His report consisted of a single sentence.
"There are babies in the yard."
The Society requested clarification.
The revised report read:
"VERY SMALL BABIES."
The matter was deemed worthy of investigation.
A search of the grounds revealed two rabbit children.
They were exceedingly small.
Their ears were undersized.
Their eyes remained closed.
Neither appeared particularly concerned with Society business.
The Society, however, became very concerned with theirs.
Sir Winston the Golden Pup, M.G.B.S.
(Master of Good Boy Behavioral Studies)
conducted a lengthy assessment.
After several moments of observation, he announced:
"They appear to be rabbits."
When asked how he had reached this conclusion, Winston immediately produced The Card.
As was customary.
No further questions were asked.
Evidence suggested the Rabbit Children had been displaced during the storm.
No parent was located.
No residence could be identified.
No rabbit representative appeared to file the appropriate paperwork.
This created a jurisdictional problem.
The Society possessed no established procedures regarding abandoned rabbit nurseries.
Several members proposed forming a committee.
Fortunately, The Human intervened before this became necessary.
Acting under emergency authority granted by Common Sense and a Good Heart, The Human collected the Rabbit Children and placed them in temporary protective custody.
The Society observed from a respectful distance.
Cooper observed from an extremely unrespectful distance.
Several reminders regarding personal space were issued.
None were successful.
For a brief period, the Rabbit Children resided under Human protection.
They slept.
They wiggled.
They remained approximately the size of baked potatoes.
No additional activities were documented.
Recognizing that the matter required specialized expertise, The Human eventually transferred custody to another Human possessing advanced qualifications in Critter Affairs.
The Society's records identify this individual only as:
The Critter Whisperer.
The transfer proceeded without incident.
Although Cooper attempted to include several toys.
The toys were deemed unsuitable.
Following the transfer, no additional reports were received.
The Rabbit Children did not return to the garden.
Their mother did not return to the garden.
No official correspondence was ever filed.
No forwarding address was provided.
No rabbit representative appeared before the Society.
This outcome troubled several members.
Chief Security Officer Cooper submitted three separate requests for status updates.
None could be fulfilled.
Sir Winston reviewed the matter carefully before issuing the following statement:
"Not every resident remains."
The meeting fell quiet.
Even Cooper.
Mortimer the Magnificent,
Chief Amphibian Affairs Officer,
was eventually asked to provide an official opinion.
After a lengthy silence he replied:
"The purpose of a garden is not to keep things."
"The purpose of a garden is to give them a place to be."
The statement was entered into the record.
No amendments were proposed.
The Society therefore adopted the following resolution:
Residents shall be remembered regardless of the duration of their tenancy.
Some stay for years.
Some stay for a season.
Some stay only long enough to leave a story behind.
All are considered neighbors.
The meeting adjourned at sunset.
Mortimer returned to amphibian affairs.
Winston resumed stick supervision.
Cooper conducted one final inspection of the rabbit district.
Just in case.
Filed respectfully.
Appendix A: Chief Security Officer Cooper maintains that the Rabbit Children were "perfect."
Appendix B: Sir Winston maintains this is not a measurable scientific classification.
Appendix C: By unanimous vote, the Rabbit Children have been entered into the Society Registry as Former Residents in Good Standing.