FILE 022-CCommittee for Porch Sitting Etiquette
Recovered from the records of the Committee for Civic Well-Being.
The original document bears several circular water stains believed to
have been left by glasses of iced tea. The Society has ruled these to be
official annotations.
It began, as many Society matters do...
...with Chairman Mortimer sitting perfectly still.
For nearly twenty-three minutes.
The Human occupied the chair beside him.
Neither appeared to be accomplishing anything.
No tomatoes were being inspected.
No reports were being written.
No weeds were being discussed.
The Society grew concerned.
Huebert conducted four inspections.
Cooper delivered a tennis ball.
It was declined.
Winston quietly opened a file.
After several additional minutes, Chairman Mortimer finally spoke.
"We appear," he said,
"to be porch sitting."
The Society had, until that moment, regarded porch sitting
as an activity of little administrative significance.
This was determined to have been an oversight.
A committee was formed immediately.
Several afternoons later, following extensive observation, the Committee issued its findings.
*
Official Porch Sitting Guidelines
Porch sitting shall be recognized as a legitimate Society activity.
No explanation shall be required.
The purpose of porch sitting may include, but is not limited to:
Listening to cicadas.
Watching the evening settle across the garden.
Observing hummingbirds who pretend not to notice they are being admired.
Visiting with friends.
Or...
not speaking at all.
All are considered productive uses of a porch.
Certain companion activities are likewise permitted.
Plant watering.
Dog brushing.
Throwing the occasional tennis ball.
Admiring tomatoes.
Holding a warm cup of tea.
These shall not be interpreted as interruptions to porch
sitting.
Rather...
they are understood to be porch sitting in motion.
The Committee further noted several practices inconsistent
with proper etiquette.
These include:
Stepping directly upon The Human while attempting to retrieve a tennis ball.
Demanding butt scratches during moments of obvious sunset appreciation.
Repeatedly placing wet tennis balls into laps without prior consultation.
Cooper requested these items be removed from the record.
The request was denied.
Chairman Mortimer closed the meeting with the following
observation:
"A porch exists for many purposes."
"It shelters."
"It welcomes."
"It overlooks the garden."
"But every now and then..."
"...its most important job is simply to give someone a place
to sit."
The motion carried unanimously.
Cooper was absent during the vote.
He had discovered a stick.