FILE 014 The Matter of the Unannounced Mailbox Expedition
Filed By:
Sir Winston the Golden Pup, M.G.B.S.
Chief Correspondence Officer
Approved By:
Mortimer the Magnificent, Esquire
Chief Amphibian Affairs Officer
Classification: Moderate Security Incident
The incident began at approximately 2:17 p.m.
The Human stood from her desk.
This alone was not unusual.
Humans are known to engage in this behavior from time to time.
What followed, however, was deeply concerning.
The Human picked up her keys.
Chief Security Officer Cooper immediately raised his head.
"The Human is leaving."
From beneath the desk, Winston opened one eye.
"Leaving where?"
"I don't know."
"Did she say?"
"No."
"Then perhaps she is getting tea."
"The keys are involved."
Winston considered this.
"Ah."
The Human then made the following announcement:
"I'm just running to the mailbox."
Neither canine was consulted regarding this decision.
The front door opened.
The front door closed.
Silence settled over the residence.
For approximately three seconds.
Then—
"WINSTON."
"Hm?"
"THE HUMAN HAS LEFT."
"Yes."
"Without us."
"Also yes."
Witnesses report that Cooper immediately rose and proceeded to the front window.
He stared through the glass.
He stared at Winston.
He stared through the glass again.
Winston remained beneath the desk.
"Shouldn't we do something?"
"About what?"
"The Human."
"The Human went to the mailbox."
"Allegedly."
Winston lifted his head.
"What do you mean allegedly?"
"Have you personally verified that she went to the mailbox?"
"No."
"Exactly."
At this point Cooper initiated a Level Three Security Assessment.
This consisted primarily of pacing.
"The mailbox is outside."
"I am aware."
"Anything could happen."
"To whom?"
"To THE HUMAN."
Winston sighed.
"The Human has been retrieving mail for years."
"Years of accumulated risk."
"I don't think that's how risk works."
Cooper pressed his nose against the glass.
"I don't see her."
"Perhaps because she is at the mailbox."
"Or perhaps because she has vanished."
"Into what?"
"I don't know."
Winston lowered his head.
"A mailbox?"
Meanwhile, in the garden, Mortimer had been enjoying a
quiet afternoon inspection of the Lemon Tree District.
The disturbance reached him shortly thereafter.
"What is all that barking?"
Huebert emerged from the sprinkler box.
"Cooper says The Human disappeared."
Mortimer blinked.
"Disappeared where?"
"The mailbox."
Mortimer stared for several moments.
"That's not a disappearance."
"Apparently there are theories."
Back inside the residence, matters had continued to escalate.
Cooper had now positioned himself directly in front of the door.
Ears alert.
Posture rigid.
Concern undeniable.
"The Human should have taken an escort."
"An escort to the mailbox?"
"Yes."
"It is twenty-seven steps away."
"Twenty-seven dangerous steps."
Winston rolled over.
"I feel like you're overestimating the mailbox."
At approximately 2:20 p.m., visual contact was reestablished.
"THE HUMAN!"
Cooper launched toward the door.
"The Human is returning!"
Winston glanced up.
"Excellent."
"She survived."
"I expected she would."
"You didn't know that."
"I did."
"How?"
"The mailbox has never attacked anyone."
The front door opened.
The Human stepped inside carrying the retrieved correspondence.
Cooper immediately began the Mandatory Welcome Home
Inspection.
This included:
• Tail wagging.
• Leg leaning.
• General celebration.
• Additional tail wagging.
• And a thorough investigation of the mail itself.
The Human was deemed unharmed.
The correspondence was deemed suspicious.
None of it appeared to contain treats.
Following the incident, an emergency meeting of the Society
was convened.
Mortimer called the proceedings to order.
"The Human returned safely?"
"Yes."
"The mailbox was secured?"
"Yes."
"No squirrels?"
"No squirrels."
Mortimer made a note.
"Very well. The matter is closed."
Cooper raised a paw.
"It should not be closed."
Mortimer sighed.
"And why not?"
"The Human could leave again."
A lengthy silence followed.
Finally Winston spoke.
"I hate to admit it, but he does have a point."
Resolution
The Society recommends that future mailbox expeditions include:
1 Advance Notification.
2 Estimated Return Times.
3 Optional Canine Escort Services.
4 At Least One Treat Upon Successful Completion of the Mission.
The Human has not agreed to these terms.
Chief Security Officer Cooper remains concerned.
Signed,
Sir Winston the Golden Pup, M.G.B.S.
Chief Correspondence Officer
Approved with Minor Revisions,
Chairman Mortimer the Magnificent, Esquire
Appendix A
Statement Submitted by Chief Security Officer Cooper
I would like it entered into the official record that everyone
laughed at me.
The Human did return safely.
This does not mean I was wrong.