File 005: Recovered from the Society Archives
The following report was discovered several days after the Nestwick family departed for the season. It appears Mortimer neglected to file it while the incidents were ongoing, citing "repeated interruptions by hostile witnesses."
Filed By:
Mortimer the Magnificent, Esquire
Classification:
Ongoing Disruption
Status:
Technically Resolved
Emotionally Unresolved
---
The arrival of the Junior Nestwicks was initially regarded as a positive development.
Young residents are, after all, the future of any thriving community.
They represent growth.
Possibility.
Continuity.
Fresh perspectives.
Mortimer believed all of these things.
At first.
---
The trouble began shortly after the fledglings left the nest.
Mr. and Mrs. Nestwick had brought the children to observe the garden and become acquainted with Society leadership.
Mortimer had prepared remarks.
He had notes.
Several, in fact.
He had spent the better part of the morning organizing them.
---
The children landed nearby.
They immediately ignored the notes.
"That's him?" asked the first.
"I think so," said the second.
They stared.
Mortimer nodded politely.
"Welcome. I am Mortimer the Magnificent, Esquire, Chief Amphibian Affairs Officer and Founder of the Society of Porch and Garden Affairs."
The children looked at each other.
Then back at Mortimer.
"He's a toad."
---
A lengthy silence followed.
Mrs. Nestwick closed her eyes.
Mr. Nestwick looked toward the sky as if hoping for divine intervention.
Mortimer blinked.
"I am a frog."
The children exchanged another glance.
"Looks like a toad."
---
Mortimer remained calm.
He was, after all, a professional.
"There are several distinguishing characteristics."
"Like what?"
"For one, I am a frog."
The first fledgling nodded thoughtfully.
"That doesn't seem very convincing."
---
The matter might have ended there.
Unfortunately, the children returned the next day.
And the day after that.
And the day after that.
---
Each visit followed a similar pattern.
"Good morning, children."
"Morning, Toad."
"Frog."
"Right. Sorry. Morning, Toad."
---
Mortimer attempted education.
He presented diagrams.
The diagrams were ignored.
He offered a lecture.
The lecture was interrupted.
He distributed informational pamphlets.
One was used as nesting material.
---
During a scheduled Society meeting, the situation escalated.
Mortimer had just called the meeting to order.
"The first item on today's agenda—"
"Mr. Toad has an agenda."
Mortimer stopped.
The first fledgling was trying very hard not to laugh.
The second was failing completely.
"I am not a toad."
"That's exactly what a toad would say."
---
Huebert later described this as the moment things got out of hand.
---
Word spread quickly throughout the garden.
Some residents had never considered the distinction before.
Now they were curious.
The dragonflies had questions.
The tomatoes had opinions.
One cucumber admitted uncertainty.
The matter became surprisingly divisive.
---
An emergency identification hearing was convened.
Attendance was excellent.
Mostly because everyone enjoys a good argument.
---
Mortimer presented evidence.
"I live near water."
The tomatoes nodded.
Reasonable.
"My skin is relatively smooth."
Several dragonflies agreed.
Also reasonable.
"I possess long legs designed for jumping."
Huebert confirmed this.
"He's actually quite good at jumping."
Mortimer thanked him.
It was the first support he had received all week.
---
The Junior Nestwicks were then invited to present their case.
The first fledgling hopped forward.
"He looks like a toad."
The second nodded.
"Very toad-shaped."
---
That was the entirety of their argument.
---
To Mortimer's horror, it was surprisingly persuasive.
---
The hearing lasted three hours.
No conclusion was reached.
The Society ultimately adopted the following official position:
"The Chair is probably a frog."
The word "probably" remains one of Mortimer's greatest professional disappointments.
---
As summer progressed, the children continued their campaign.
Greetings included:
"Morning, Toad."
"Afternoon, Toad."
"Nice weather, Toad."
And on one particularly difficult day:
"Excuse me, Mr. Toad Sir."
Which was somehow worse.
---
Yet despite the constant teasing, the children attended every meeting.
They listened to reports.
They asked questions.
They learned the boundaries of the districts.
They helped track a wandering caterpillar.
They even submitted several complaints regarding squirrel behavior.
Most were valid.
---
Gradually, something unexpected happened.
The children became part of the Society.
Not because they respected the rules.
Certainly not because they respected Mortimer.
But because they cared about the garden.
And the porch.
And the creatures who lived there.
---
On the morning of their departure, the Junior Nestwicks arrived for one final visit.
The summer was ending.
The world beyond the porch was calling.
Soon they would be gone.
---
Mortimer found them perched along the railing.
"Leaving?"
The children nodded.
For once they seemed unusually quiet.
---
"You've been a terrible nuisance."
The first fledgling smiled.
"We know."
"You've disrupted meetings."
The second nodded.
"We know."
"You've challenged authority."
"We definitely know."
---
Mortimer looked out across the garden.
Then back at the children.
"You've also asked good questions."
Neither bird spoke.
"And for the record," he added, "I am a frog."
The children looked at each other.
Then grinned.
"Sure you are, Toad."
---
They flew away moments later.
Mr. and Mrs. Nestwick followed shortly after.
The porch felt strangely empty.
---
Several days later, Huebert found Mortimer sitting quietly beneath the lemon tree.
"Garden seems quieter."
"It does."
"You miss them."
Mortimer was silent for a moment.
"Perhaps."
Huebert nodded.
"Even the toad jokes?"
Mortimer glared at him.
---
No further comment was recorded.
Signed,
Mortimer the Magnificent, Esquire
Chief Amphibian Affairs Officer
Definitely a Frog
Appendix A
Official Society Resolution 7-B
After extensive review, testimony, and debate, the Society affirms that Mortimer is, in fact, a frog.
The phrase "probably a frog" has been removed from official records.
Pending appeal.
Appendix B
Statement Submitted by the Junior Nestwicks
We still think he looks like a toad.
Respectfully,
The Junior Nestwicks